Jingle Hells Part II (The Streets)

Years and years ago (this blog is old), I posted a list of five of my least favorite Christmas songs of all time. While the songs on that list still hover around the bottom of my All Time Christmas Song Shit List (who knew there was such a thing?!), I would like to formally add the following. Please keep in mind that while I spend 11 months out of the year being a real Grinch, I freakin love Christmas. So in a way, it pains me that I’ve been able to come up with two separate lists of songs that are terrible. But at the same time, Christmas wouldn’t be perfect if it couldn’t give me stuff to whine about (*sigh* I love you, Christmas). Again, in no particular order, some of the worst songs ever:

5. Dominick The Donkey Lou Monte
WTFOMG I HATE THIS SONG. First of all it gets stuck in my head like whoaaaa bad. In fact, it’s probably going to be stuck in my head after this. Thanks a lot, BLOG. What is this song even about? Why does there have to be a stupid Christmas donkey? The reindeer can’t climb the hills in Italy? So what, dude, THEY CAN FLY. This is dumb AND I think a little racist. And what’s with all the wonky music and sound effects? Hate.

4. Baby It’s Cold Outside
I don’t understand all the love this song gets. Sure, it was featured in Elf, which may be the cutest movie of ALL TIME. There should be a fight to the death between Elf and Up! and the winner wins the title of Cutest Movie Ever. But I digress. People love this song, but have you ever thought about JUST HOW CREEPY it is? The lady wants to leave, mister, let her go. But nope, he’s gonna sit there and try to talk her in to staying, even though she’s basically telling him that people are gonna think she’s kind of a whore if she doesn’t go home. Plus her family’s going to be all worried about her.  And that whole “No means no” thing.  Does the guy care? NOPE. It’s a bit too date rapey for my taste. Just let the poor girl go HOME! Sheesh. Also: “What’s in this drink?” That would be ROHYPNOL. Ladies, if you’re on a holiday date with a guy that enjoys rocking out to this song, run, don’t walk, to a guy with less creepy taste in music. The official position of this blog is anti-roofie.

3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause
Mommy’s kind of a slut.

2. The Twelve Pains of Christmas Bob Rivers
I’m the only one allowed to bitch about holidays around here! Actually this song wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so damn long. It could have been worse, I suppose. He could have written the Thirty Two Pains of Christmas, New Year’s, and President’s Day, but let’s all be glad he didn’t. But yeah, all the annoying voices, bitching in rhyme about crap that we all have to put up with around the holidays, and bitching along with the music for TWELVE WHOLE ROUNDS? We’re done here.

1. The Christmas Shoes
Still worthy of the Worst Christmas Song of ALL TIME about twenty times over. In fact, I could write a list of the TWENTY worst Christmas songs of all time and every single line would read “The Christmas Shoes.” I could write a worse song than this, but it would involve mutilated kittens and starving bunnies. And kids who don’t understand that Mommy needs MEDICINE, not a stupid pair of shoes. Even Dale doesn’t like this song. Y’all, Dale loves EVERYTHING. But this song pisses him off. Normally, I’d find that hilarious, but in this case YEAH, worst song ever. Also, it’s responsible for millions of kitten deaths every year. Because it’s the WORST CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME.

Any of my follow Grinchlings out there have anything to add to the list?