Driver’s Ed

Here is a bunch of things that you should not do if you find yourself driving in front of me.

Do not pull in front of me and then decide you need to clean your windshield.  Why yes you DID just spray my windshield with a fine mist of your own wiper fluid and whatever the hell you just smeared off your windshield.  It was gross, and caused me to clean MY windshield, thus wasting perfectly good wiper fluid (or water by now, I always just top it off with whatever I’m drinking when I notice it’s gone dry) and also causing the person behind ME to clean their windshield.  Did you really, truly, absolutely have to clean your windshield right then and there, in front of me, like a jerk?  No?  Then you suck.

When waiting at a red light in a turn lane after dark, it is not necessary to leave your blinker on.  This mainly applies to those of you who drive the giant behemoth SUVs and big boy trucks (which is most of my neighborhood).  I get it, you paid a lot for your fancy shmancy SUV with your weird little sticker family there on the back windshield.  I’m sure whatever top-of-the-line blinkers you upgraded to were worth the cost, in case you ever need to let someone 5 miles away know which direction you’re turning or if you’re ever called upon to lead Santa’s sleigh.  However, when parked at the light turning left in to the neighborhood, you can go ahead and turn off your blinker.  We get it.  It’s a turn lane.  You’re turning.  Use blinker to merge in to turn lane, shut off blinker, and turn blinker on when light turns green to complete turn.  EASY PEASY.  But instead, you want to flash your giant ass red blinking beacon in my face for five minutes, giving me a headache and making me have a seizure like those Pokemon kids.  I hate you.

By the same token, you geniuses with super ultra bright blue headlights aren’t much better.  Since this post is just about the idiots in front of me, though, I’ll save you for another day.

Don’t slam on your brakes.  I don’t care if you’re in the wrong lane, or Britney just came on the radio and you’ve got to text your friend because OMG REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN WE LISTENED TO BRITNEY AND IT WAS TOTES AWESOME!, or if there’s a teeny tiny puddle in the road and you’re afraid of it.  Slamming on your brakes is a bad idea.  People can smash in to you.  I get that you have no sense of direction, dancing to Brit-Brit was so, so funsies, and there might be a shark or a black hole in that puddle, but be cool, don’t panic, and don’t freaking make me almost hit you.  Slow your roll.  Don’t stop it.

Don’t cut me off in your Super Slick convertible with the top down and your vanity plate that tells the world that you graduated from an embarrassingly expensive school an embarrassingly long time ago.  Because while you’re thinking “I look so awesome driving like a badass in this sweet ride,” the rest of us are thinking “Damn, that old guy is bad at driving in his mid-life crisis car.”

Don’t EVER let me see you throwing anything out your windows. I take it personally when people mess with Texas. Unfortunately, it isn’t legal for me to chase you at high speeds, honking my horn and screaming that litterbugs are actually the spawn of Satan, concluding my tirade by knocking off one or both of your side mirrors.  (Although I might if I see you toss a cigarette out your window.)  But I will memorize your license plate number and report you later. You don’t actually get in trouble, you just get a little “Don’t Mess With Texas” litter bag and a nice note asking you to stop freakin’ throwing crap out the window like some trashy moron (only nicer) but I like to think that would be embarrassing enough to make you reconsider the next time you decide your Sonic cup would look nice in the bushes beside the highway.

If you feel the need to drive 20 mph below the posted speed limit, just freaking stay home.  Nobody wants to creep along behind you while you occasionally press your foot down on the gas pedal with one hand on the wheel and the other holding your phone or figuring out your GPS or whatever the heck you’re trying to do.  Frankly, I don’t appreciate you putting my safety at risk but I’m actually more offended that you’re of legal driving age and can’t figure out your freaking iPhone.  And let’s just be honest: You can’t successfully drive the speed limit and update your Twitter status.  You’ll just have to tell your 138 followers that your coffee makes you happy in the morning when you get to work.

Of course, as with the Occupy Everything Everywhere Forever protesters, this is not necessarily an inclusive list and is subject to be amended or enhanced in the future.  But perhaps said protesters will note that at least this blog post has a cohesive message.  BURN!!!  Ok bye.

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