Dear Guy In The Movie Theater,

Shut the hell up.

No, really. Dale, Ben, and I went to see “Taken” tonight and I know this only happens because I have one of those “I like to screw with you” relationships with the Universe, but every freaking time I go to the movies I end up sitting next to/in front of/nearby the guy who insists on giving the running commentary on whatever’s going on onscreen. I don’t understand: just like I don’t need your help watching basketball, I don’t need your help watching a movie. I’ve done this before; I’ve got this. However, this guy seems to think not only his idiot wife needs the in-theater commentary (I’ll wait for the DVD, thanks), but the entire theater needs to hear how he’s awesome and has this whole thing figured out.

In the first five minutes of sitting by this d-bag, I knew I was in for it. He spent a good couple of minutes passive-aggressively berating the waitress because the bar was out of the two beers he’d ordered, and while the waitress was trying to offer suggestions he wouldn’t even let her finish her sentence because he was making fun of her taste in beer. And apparently this was fine with Idiot Wife because she just said there and explained, “He’s a beer snob.” Uh, excuse me?? How about “Total d-bag with no people skills that shouldn’t be allowed to talk in public”? I really hope the Belhaven he ended up settling on was laced with some delicious waitress saliva. I know better than to piss off the people who serve me my food! Anyway.

So the movie starts, and it’s pretty exciting. He’s making those stupid comments that people who have to say something all the time are known to make but they’re small and fleeting so I’m able to let it go. Then at some point a car appears on the screen and suddenly this guy is four years old. He points and emphatically shouts “Audi!” at the screen. Wait, what? Yeah it’s an Audi…the story’s set in Europe, like every other car in the movie is an Audi. I almost got run over by and Alfa Romeo when I lived in Switzerland and it was awesome until I realized that European cars in Europe are kind of no big deal. Thanks for the update, moron, but from now on unless it’s a Slug Bug keep your mouth shut, k? Then at another point the main character finds a dead girl (Don’t worry there are a lot of dead people in this movie, I’m not really giving anything away) and it gets all dramatic for a moment, and it’s pretty clear she’s dead but just in case we weren’t sure, there’s Moron: “She’s dead!” Good to know. The best one, though, came at the end, at a particularly dramatic moment of the movie when one character has the opportunity to shoot another character in the head and all is very tense and quiet. Our old friend Moron then advises the whole theater, “A bullet to the left temporal lobe, that’ll almost always kill you.” I couldn’t help it. Tensest, most interesting moment of the movie or not, I freakin cracked up. Bizarre. And somehow, not that uncommon. Thanks for that, Moron in the movie theater.

But the movie was good and then we got ice cream.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Dash
    Feb 05, 2009 @ 10:13:00

    “but the movie was good and then we got ice-cream”

    that’s the kind of finish I wish I could use more!

    Reply

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